


I'm not drunk, just intoxicated by you

by Saiya_tina



Series: A Comedy of Assholes (Rhapsody, etc.) [41]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, M/M, and reading bad letter, be prepared for bad pick up lines, they're just sitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 00:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12876765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saiya_tina/pseuds/Saiya_tina
Summary: Anton and Cullen are reading letters sent to them by some suitors who don't take no for an answer. Hilarity and bad pickuplines ensue.





	I'm not drunk, just intoxicated by you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Maverocknroll](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maverocknroll/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAV!

“Your eyes are like pools of blue water, I could get lost in them.”

“If your pants are as wide as your shoulders, I’d love to get lost in them.”

“You shook my hand and I told everyone that I, truthfully, was touched by an angel.”

“I want to suck on your hair like the finest noodles in Ferelden.”

Anton gagged and threw a piece of bread at Cullen, “Don’t tell me that, I’ll never be able to eat noodles again!”

Cullen caught the bread piece in his mouth and shrugged while he chewed. “I’ll remind you, this was not my idea.”

“No, YOUR idea is the reason we’re in this position in the first place.”

This position being the two of them lounging on either armrest of a couch before the fire, surrounded by wine, meat, cheese, bread and letters. Anton poked Cullen’s side with his toes, “You just had to kiss the Warden again.”

Cullen squirmed away from the cold toes and lightly kicked Anton in the thigh, “You just had to bring me to a party with Orlesians.”

“Still, our current situation is directly your fault.”

“I fail to see how Orlesians being Orlesians are my fault somehow,” Cullen said, grabbing Anton’s foot before it made another jab, running a thumb along the arch to make Anton squeal and recoil like a pillbug. “Plus, you wanted to read the letters, I voted for tossing them in the fire.”

“Well, you love the novels so much, I thought the love letters would be fun,” Anton said before flicking the noodle letter into the fire. “Frighteningly, it appears the better writers go for those novels.”

“It does make me feel better about my writing choices,” Cullen nodded into his wine. “Now, are we done with this foolish exercise or do you want to ensure we can’t look at each other without gagging ever again?”

“Depends, how do you feel now?” Anton said with a grin, one hand sliding down to loosen the ties of his shirt. Cullen’s eyes followed the motion almost unconsciously. “Well, I hope that isn’t nausea, husband.”

“Not yet,” Cullen flicked another letter at him. “It is fitting a man of your stature have two hefty swords to wield.”

“Well, I do pride myself on being a dual wielder,” Anton said with a grin, tossing another letter back. “Your hair looks so soft, I could get a blanket made of it.”

“I think I need to have a word with Aveline about your security,” Cullen said, tightlipped. That letter joined the pile of “potential stalker”. Cullen wasn’t sure if he was relieved or concerned that Anton’s pile was bigger than his.

“Please do. I rather not get shaved in the middle of the night. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.” Anton swallowed the last of his wine and grabbed the bottle for a refill, “Your turn, love.”

“You asked for it.” Cullen waited until Anton lifted the glass for a drink, “I can’t find my Mabari, can I sleep with you instead?”

Cullen barely had time to pull his legs up to shield himself from a mouthful of warm wine. He cautiously lowered them when the spray was replaced by a strange mix of coughing, laughing and disgust. “Not going to choke to death, are you?”

“You bastard,” Anton got between hacking coughs and giggles. “What happened to my sweet, innocent husband?”

“He left you when you made him read these absurd letters,” Cullen dabbed at the wine before it got on the blanket but gave it up for a lost cause when it just spread further. Anton had a good laundress anyway. “I’m still convinced you sent me that one.”

“If I couldn’t find my Mabari, the only reason I’d say that is so that I could cry into your manly bosom,” Anton said, wiping his mouth with a sleeve and trying to ignore the feeling of wine in his nose. “And then cry into your balls.”

This time it was Cullen’s turn to choke on wine.

“Anyway, I think I can top it,” Anton said, waiting until Cullen had stopped hacking up red wine because he was a nice husband unlike other persons in the room. “I lost my virginity, can I have yours?”

“I’d like to say I beat him to it, but sadly, I was beaten to that myself. Though I find it interesting that we’ve been married for nearly six years now and they assume you’re a virgin. Not very flattering to me though.” Cullen put on a sad face before nibbling on a slice of cheese.

“Perhaps I just give off this aura of innocence. No one would dare to think such a pure, unblemished flower such as myself was ravaged by a Ferelden barbarian!” Anton draped him back in a way that Cullen was sure was supposed to be demure, but somehow still just looked slutty.

“Unless those flowers are lime blossoms, that suitor is off his bloody rocker.” Cullen threw a grape at Anton’s stomach and plucked up another letter. “Nice legs. What time do they open?”

“Okay, I’m actually impressed by that one,” Anton plucked it from his hand and scanned it. “Oh, that’s Izzy. Knew it sounded familiar.”

“I- that’s Isabela?” Cullen turned bright red.

“If I remember right, the bloke she got this from tried that line on both of us within the hour,” Anton said, flicking the letter into the keep pile at his elbow. “Shame he turned out to be Coterie, that would have been fun.”

“Wait, you-” 

“Cullen, with what you know about me, my life and my brothers, are you really going to sound shocked that I was nearly in a threesome?”

“Honestly, I think I was more shocked the threesome didn’t happen.” Cullen picked up one letter from Anton’s pile and threw it at him. “Bet you this one talks about your ass.”

“That is a sucker’s bet, but nice try, love.” Anton plucked up the letter. “Hm, I think this came from the Marquis of…something. That shirt looks becoming on you. If I had the choice, I’d be coming on you too. Well, that’s quite forward.”

“What?!” Cullen snatched the letter back and scanned it angrily. “This Marquis and I are going to having some angry words. Pointy ones.”

“Please do not stab Orlesian nobles, husband. You’ve come on me many times, can you blame them for wanting to do the same? I make it look good.” Anton squinted as he thought back. “I think he’s referring to the wine red one. Good taste.”

“Anton, don’t say that, I like that shirt!” Cullen groaned, slumping back on the couch arm. “Now we have to burn it and send the Marquis the ashes.”

“I have a feeling you’ve been hanging around Isabela without me,” Anton raised an eyebrow. “And really, if you burned all my clothes, I don’t think you’ll be solving the problem. Probably just give yourself some new ones.”

“Not if I’m the only one who gets to see you,” Cullen said with a leer. It was a stark contrast to his blush, but Anton loved it all the same. “Now, are we done with this silly game?”

“But it’s just getting fun!” Anton heaved himself up and managed to untangle their legs enough to drop forward against Cullen’s chest. “You know, that shirt would look wonderful on your bedroom floor.”

“My bedroom is our bedroom and it probably is on the floor,” Cullen said, wrapping his arms around him. “But I am going to have sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there to enjoy it.”

“Well, then far be it for me to decline such a generous offer,” Anton purred. He leaned in for a kiss that quickly turned heated before pulling away to Cullen’s whimper. He walked over to the entrance to bedroom before turning back, one hand at his belt. “Ready or not, my clothes will be coming off in ten seconds.”

Cullen made it to the door in eight.


End file.
